I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
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I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
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I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
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