my phone needs a breathalizer
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
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I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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