I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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