Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
