if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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