Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
