Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
