i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
