She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
