Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Randomize
