Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
