I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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