actually, I'm a sock model
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
