Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
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