Moan for me like Helen Keller
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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