The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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