did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Randomize
