How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Randomize
