I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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