I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
