i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
