At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
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So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
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Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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