a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
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