Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
