My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
