So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I think i got beer on your cat.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
