I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
you had me at cake vodka
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
