There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
barbara walters just said penis...
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
