At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Randomize
