life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Letd wlk him
Lrtd walek hime
Lets wlk home,,,ther we go
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
