final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
