beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
