So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
