Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
