dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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