I wanna passion pit in your ass
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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