hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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