When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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