I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
