Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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