I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
