Can i not drive my cunt home
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
