I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
And then he peed in my hair
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