it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize