just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
