Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
