My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
