a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
