I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Randomize
