my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
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