cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
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So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
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I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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