One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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