got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
