I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
