After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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