Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
