She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
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